June 27, 2011
"Change" is an understatement
I didn't know whether to post this in We Were Like Dreamers, which is more or less the narrative of my inner journey, or Hippie Lettuce, which is about external health - this thing that is happening to me is happening from inside to out and outside to in, so I'm going with BOTH.
There is no more time for dishonesty, facade or ignorance. My life is in freaking shambles, and I am the earthquak-er. Shiva is up and smoking; a new song is blasting the walls of Jericho to the ground.
Physically, the change is speeding along. Since I started eating raw, my body has completely begun re-forming itself. I've lost about 14 pounds (which is too much too fast, and I've been piling on the nuts, oils, healthy fats as much as possible, and it has slowed down). My skin cleared up right away. Acne is no longer a concern for Adult Deborah (thank G-D). Although any ideas for natural face scrubs and whatnot would be most welcome. My mind is so much more clear now. I feel more free, because when I eat, I am no longer incapacitated by the sluggish digestion of refined, processed foods. I ENJOY food more now. Taste and eating have become much more pleasurable and sensual as my palate adjusts to this new, natural menu. My creativity has been somewhat EXPLODING as I have been struck with inspiration time and time again to create a new dish (usually using the blender to make dips, sauces, desserts). It is something I am very grateful for; a path I know I need to stay on. It's Life for me.
Oh yes, and my hair is blue. I've always wanted to be a mermaid.
Now to the inner world...
When I started writing my morning pages as part of the Artist's Way work, I had no idea what was going to happen... I had no idea I was going to find my true voice - that which I had stuffed down for so long, fearing the unknown. I have feared the dark since childhood, but to be honest, it was sometimes a more intense fear as an adult. Things I was hiding from myself... What does it take to know your own Heart? To know G-d from within? What are you afraid of losing in order to find it? To tell the truth, I did lose myself in order to find myself... It's a cliff many are hesitant to leap from; "the people remained at a distance, and Moses approached the thick darkness where G-d was." (Exodus 20:21)
What came out in my journal (three pages first thing each morning is the goal), was my voice. My own voice. Not the voice constructed for me by society, or my parents, or religion, or friends, but the true, deep, inner cry of my heart. I learned a lot about separating those other voices from my own voice. Finding my own perspective, instead of putting on someone else's. In the book "Courage", Osho says, "[the mind] is nothing natural, it is cultivated. It has been put together on top of you. Deep down you are still free, you can get out of it. One can never get out of nature, but one can get out of the artificial any moment one decides to."
I found my way out of the artificial.
I called myself "Daydreamer," because for most of my life, I've existed in a state of idealism and fantasy. I've spoken in lofty terms about mystical, abstract meanings of things, and I've not brought these things to the red, red roots of HOW DO YOU LIVE THEN? It's a good question, and one that I am going to address for the rest of my life.
Everything has changed, because I've been brought to a place of understanding that it is through Experience that I gain real, practical Wisdom - not only through book learnin's. Lofty, abstract concepts can be attained when one denies the physical, the ego, and appeals to the Library in the Sky, lovingly created by our Father in heaven... But there is another way that has been neglected for too long: the Tantric path. Wisdom gained through experience. Embracing the physical without clinging to it, which is, I think, exactly how Jesus lived.
We've neglected our Mother. In a lot of ways, religion has shut us up in white boxes in the West (can't speak for the East; don't know), and distorted our perspective of G-d to mean the Guy in the Sky, who can only be accessed through particular sacraments, creeds, rituals, the right crowd.
I reject this proposition, and I offer another. G-d is everywhere. I don't meet G-d in a building, I meet "G-d" (I write it "G-d" not necessarily from the Jewish perspective that doesn't spell out the name out of respect, but rather from a recognition of the futility of using words to describe this) in the eyes and experiences of people I talk to, and in the pure, awesome wonder of the natural world.
Embracing G-d as Mother means giving your full attention, your full presence to everything you do. Learning to live with the ego, instead of trying to destroy it. Eating, drinking, breathing, making love, conversation - whenever we take something in, we should do it gratefully, with awareness that our Source Loves us with a perfect Love. If we first turn our attention to the inner, then the outer world becomes a Joy instead of an addiction. What's coming from within? Perfect Love. Only perfect Love can change you from your roots to your tips; judgement and fear of punishment can only treat the symptoms of a crooked heart. The better way is Love, and Love is ALWAYS speaking if you will listen. How do you listen?
I have tooooooooo much to explain in one blog post, but let's sum up:
1. Please buy a journal and start using it.
2. Go for a walk in the woods.
3. Stop judging people.
I Love you, world. We're going to get through this. There's a better way coming, and we both know what it is... We're either going to destroy ourselves with violence or we're going to find a better way to relate to ourselves and each other. And I can say, with absolute confidence from experience that HONESTY IS EVERYTHING.