Sfat Shabbat Shalom

So, it's Vayishlach. For those who care or know what that means, I have a tiny somethingorother to say.

Jacob is on his way back to his father's land. When he hears that Esau is coming to meet him with 400 men, he hurries to put a plan in action to protect his family and his possessions. He prays and then acts to protect himself. It sounds from the frantic pace that he was in a bit of a panic.

I've been panicked at various times this year; I had a comfortable life and I chose to leave it behind. Now I'm starting over at 29 and sometimes the uncertainty is terrifying. When I act out of panic and cultivate anxiety, I seem to attract even more frustrating circumstances - or maybe it just seems like it because I'm not enjoying whatever is happening.

If Jacob had met Esau in a panic, with suspicion, he might have invited a similarly negative response from his brother. Instead, the angel (or demon, or man, or space alien, or whatever) who wrestled with Jacob wrenched his right thigh out of its socket. (aha! right side of the body = left brain = masculine, aggressive, linear thinking. Necessary? Yes. superhappyfunstuff? Not for me.) Jacob's anxiety wouldn't allow him to yield control and trust the Infinite for the outcome of the situation. So the space angel broke through his shell of panic and Jacob had to yield control.

After that mysterious night, Jacob met Esau with a smiling face and open hand, and all the tension drained from their reunion. Esau traveled on from there in a straight line, an orderly fashion, Jacob went on at the pace of his children and a bunch of baby lambs: ambling, organic movement in non-linear steps that spoke of his newfound trust in the whole process of living in an unpredictable universe.

Later, the text says "V'yavo Ya'akov Shalem," (Gen. 33:18) which can mean either "and Jacob came to [the town of] Shalem" or "and Jacob came [and was] whole." Whole? After being panicked to the breaking point and humbled before his brother? Whole because his need to control his circumstances was gone, the self-protective shell was shattered and he could now accept himself as a small drop in a vast ocean of consciousness and movement.

To me this suggests that my acceptance of my present situation (accept it, change it, or leave it, sez Eckhart Tolle - but don't stay and not accept it), and positive attitude, will invite more positive circumstances to come my way, but my anxious attempts to control a situation only makes it more difficult for me and those around me to enjoy our challenging lives.

Perioded

Cat + Ducks = trouble

Gentlemen, beware; you're in for a scare. I'm going to talk about periods. I know, I know, that's nobody's favorite topic on a brisk, nipply Thursday evening in November, but this is my blog so shut up. Did I mention I'm perioded?

I decided not to take any painkillers this month. This was a big step for me, because I have often been known to whine like a fat kid at fiesta texas (it happens) whilst menstruating, and to truly, actually, believe I was going to die if I didn't swallow some pamprin IMMEDIATELY. Once I even took a vicodin, given to me by a compassionate friend who shall remain nameless for her protection, under the assumption that my demise would be imminent, should the pain continue to build. I don't know if it's all the life-changes making me approach myself with the kind of wild grin a lab scientist gives to a hamster, but I decided to experiment away and face my fears...

11.9.11

I started my period. I'm going to go as long as I can without pills, we'll see how long this lasts...

I also drew this totally tubular illustration in my journal. It's ok if you don't get it.

11.10.11

Man, this is intense. The pain, and the general experience. Definitely not eating anything today. This is a cleanse, and I want to listen for whatever this process has to say. I'm trying not to fight the pain, but just to let the old me, old blood, go. And I guess to accept the state of pain, because I am afraid of suffering great pain, and I may need a drug to help me let it go... I want to learn not to depend on a substance. Maybe by learning to live through physical pain, I will begin to learn how to process psychic pain, instead of depending on bad physical habits to pull me through. But yeah... yikes. It's building.

(later)

Wow, I have been taking way too much painkiller in the past. After the initial onset of my gut pain, which was scary to feel it build, it has settled into manageable cramps. Maybe it's the lack of meat in my diet? I don't feel overwhelmed by pain, just really tired. When the pain wave comes, I just roll with it, embrace it, and then it's not so bad. I remember reading that pain during your period is actually caused by muscular tension based on the fear of pain. Which is pretty hilarious. I'm really happy that I'm facing this with relative fearlessness; there really is nothing to fear but fear itself. I even walked a mile this morning...

(still later)

Love is a river, and I am bathing in it. With this opening of my body to release all that is no longer helpful or useful to hold on to, I embrace change and what is to come by letting go of all that I have been... all that was not truly who I was created to be, or that was useful in the past and is not anymore. I let it all go. Thank you for peeling away my layers and exposing a new creation...

(presently)

And there you have it, ladies. Don't be fooled into thinking you have to depend on substances to pull you through pain... A lot of it is in the mind; I focused my attention on my guts, and set an intention of letting go, and relaxing my muscles in the neighborhood of my guts. That's how I, who used to be terrified of period pain, have come to regard it as a helpful ally to engage in a multi-level cleanse. It's very helpful to journal through something like this; it's a very meditative opportunity. I drank carrot juice and had a bit of chocolate today, but other than that, I just drank water. I couldn't have handled food. I think the relative ease of this whole situation was also aided by the fact that I haven't been eating significant amounts of refined flours or sugars, and have avoided meat like the plague. More on that later... Thanks for stomaching this post, heh heh.

ode to a fine field

On saturday, I watched my friend Kim spread sunshine around her neighborhood and a local nursing home, when she was given a car-full of leftover wedding flowers. She's such a loving, giving person, raised in a small town, now bringing that small-town neighbor-love to a bigger city where people don't always trust their neighbors. I love you Kimberly, thank you for being so sweet to me.



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

This poem I wrote last October sums up my current course of cosmic learning... the title is a Rumi reference.

Wash in Wisdom-Water

Oh! The un-marinated heart
a crusty thing
a barnacled hull
Hauled out of sea to dry and grow dull
better to yield to the
moon-swelled surge
the longer the wait
the harder the purge

Chakras

I've been learning a lot about my own guts, and my own soul. Without further ado I would like to share this with you, hopefully it may be helpful to someone or other... This is my own personal exploration of the seven Chakras, their implications as seven aspects of my being, why they become blocked, and how to un-block them. I still have much to learn, this is just something I felt I should share:


Chakra / Bent aspect / True aspect / Cure

Root / Fear / Courage / Naming your fears
Recognize that the frightening things in your life are the door to Wisdom and walk on through.

Sacral / Control / Playfulness / Relax – no Judgement or expectations
Accept others and yourself as you are – don’t manipulate life, instead release any attempt to control and let life bring you it’s true pleasures.


Solar / Guilt / Freedom / Honesty – say what you mean
Not letting your true self shine burns you up inside – accept your unique identity and let G-d’s design shine from within you. Always speak the truth.


Heart / Depression / Love / Surrender to Love
Let love in, open your heart – it will hurt, but you will be transformed for the better.


Throat / Bottling up / Expression / Spontaneous words and sounds
Open the vent, don’t fail to process your reactions to life – spontaneity gets the flow started.


Third Eye / Fretfulness / Fruitfulness / Breathing / Prayer
Breathing mindfully and practicing mindfulness in all areas releases you from the grip of anxiety, which is future-based – don’t live in the future, live now.


Crown / Greed / Ultimate Wisdom / Dancing shakes off attachments
Let go of the need for material luxury by dancing, spinning, shaking – and you will realize the interconnectedness and impermanence of all life.


The Pink Presence of Pure spirit (Shekhinah) completes the circuit and permeates all the chakras. We are circular beings. This is how “Enlightenment” (living true to the spark of eternity within you) can be reached through the ascetic path (through the Crown) or the tantric path (through the Root). Whether you ascend or descend, G-d is there, loving unceasingly.

"Change" is an understatement

I didn't know whether to post this in We Were Like Dreamers, which is more or less the narrative of my inner journey, or Hippie Lettuce, which is about external health - this thing that is happening to me is happening from inside to out and outside to in, so I'm going with BOTH.

There is no more time for dishonesty, facade or ignorance. My life is in freaking shambles, and I am the earthquak-er. Shiva is up and smoking; a new song is blasting the walls of Jericho to the ground.

Physically, the change is speeding along. Since I started eating raw, my body has completely begun re-forming itself. I've lost about 14 pounds (which is too much too fast, and I've been piling on the nuts, oils, healthy fats as much as possible, and it has slowed down). My skin cleared up right away. Acne is no longer a concern for Adult Deborah (thank G-D). Although any ideas for natural face scrubs and whatnot would be most welcome. My mind is so much more clear now. I feel more free, because when I eat, I am no longer incapacitated by the sluggish digestion of refined, processed foods. I ENJOY food more now. Taste and eating have become much more pleasurable and sensual as my palate adjusts to this new, natural menu. My creativity has been somewhat EXPLODING as I have been struck with inspiration time and time again to create a new dish (usually using the blender to make dips, sauces, desserts). It is something I am very grateful for; a path I know I need to stay on. It's Life for me.

Oh yes, and my hair is blue. I've always wanted to be a mermaid.

Now to the inner world...

When I started writing my morning pages as part of the Artist's Way work, I had no idea what was going to happen... I had no idea I was going to find my true voice - that which I had stuffed down for so long, fearing the unknown. I have feared the dark since childhood, but to be honest, it was sometimes a more intense fear as an adult. Things I was hiding from myself... What does it take to know your own Heart? To know G-d from within? What are you afraid of losing in order to find it? To tell the truth, I did lose myself in order to find myself... It's a cliff many are hesitant to leap from; "the people remained at a distance, and Moses approached the thick darkness where G-d was." (Exodus 20:21)

What came out in my journal (three pages first thing each morning is the goal), was my voice. My own voice. Not the voice constructed for me by society, or my parents, or religion, or friends, but the true, deep, inner cry of my heart. I learned a lot about separating those other voices from my own voice. Finding my own perspective, instead of putting on someone else's. In the book "Courage", Osho says, "[the mind] is nothing natural, it is cultivated. It has been put together on top of you. Deep down you are still free, you can get out of it. One can never get out of nature, but one can get out of the artificial any moment one decides to."

I found my way out of the artificial.

I called myself "Daydreamer," because for most of my life, I've existed in a state of idealism and fantasy. I've spoken in lofty terms about mystical, abstract meanings of things, and I've not brought these things to the red, red roots of HOW DO YOU LIVE THEN? It's a good question, and one that I am going to address for the rest of my life.

Everything has changed, because I've been brought to a place of understanding that it is through Experience that I gain real, practical Wisdom - not only through book learnin's. Lofty, abstract concepts can be attained when one denies the physical, the ego, and appeals to the Library in the Sky, lovingly created by our Father in heaven... But there is another way that has been neglected for too long: the Tantric path. Wisdom gained through experience. Embracing the physical without clinging to it, which is, I think, exactly how Jesus lived.

We've neglected our Mother. In a lot of ways, religion has shut us up in white boxes in the West (can't speak for the East; don't know), and distorted our perspective of G-d to mean the Guy in the Sky, who can only be accessed through particular sacraments, creeds, rituals, the right crowd.

NO.

I reject this proposition, and I offer another. G-d is everywhere. I don't meet G-d in a building, I meet "G-d" (I write it "G-d" not necessarily from the Jewish perspective that doesn't spell out the name out of respect, but rather from a recognition of the futility of using words to describe this) in the eyes and experiences of people I talk to, and in the pure, awesome wonder of the natural world.

Embracing G-d as Mother means giving your full attention, your full presence to everything you do. Learning to live with the ego, instead of trying to destroy it. Eating, drinking, breathing, making love, conversation - whenever we take something in, we should do it gratefully, with awareness that our Source Loves us with a perfect Love. If we first turn our attention to the inner, then the outer world becomes a Joy instead of an addiction. What's coming from within? Perfect Love. Only perfect Love can change you from your roots to your tips; judgement and fear of punishment can only treat the symptoms of a crooked heart. The better way is Love, and Love is ALWAYS speaking if you will listen. How do you listen?

I have tooooooooo much to explain in one blog post, but let's sum up:

1. Please buy a journal and start using it.

2. Go for a walk in the woods.

3. Stop judging people.

I Love you, world. We're going to get through this. There's a better way coming, and we both know what it is... We're either going to destroy ourselves with violence or we're going to find a better way to relate to ourselves and each other. And I can say, with absolute confidence from experience that HONESTY IS EVERYTHING.