ekphrasis for the tiny purple buds

pretty maids all in a row
oh Mother, how softly your breath blows
the warm spring air
ripples thru my hair
my soul leans
to the bitter greens

I remember myself and a battle elf
deep in a dream - is it real as it seems?


mountain laurel full of grace
make my mind a sacred space


takes me back
to days at SAC
I walked to school
and broke some rules
just to see if I was free

a strange boy punk
with hair like a skunk
wrote me a rhyme
that halted time

He said he saw me in a field
with all the flowers she can yield
with my hair all down
and the sky my crown
now here I am
there again

sometimes I'm not
who I thought
I was at all
can I hear my soul call?
now is the thyme
to make more rhymes
till I'm deep in the core
with the iron ore
then I climb up the tree
that grows in me
she's my inner child
waited quite awhile
in halls of books
throwing hopeful looks
my way
as if to say
"let me feel the light of day"
I pushed her down
and reached for the crown,
the papers and the chains
the repetitive refrains

but down at the sea
of galillee
I washed my face, my hands and said
all that I thought I was is dead
branches that suck good energy
from the green and vital leaves
they're so small
but they grow tall
to establish me
faster than you can say "love is free"


nothing but the grace
of my Mother's face
can open in me the door to peace
now I see this is the real me
sharp as a knife and Nature's wife
a bumbling bee with pollen sweet
and a sting for your feet
to keep us all moving
and improving
we make more room
and soon enough we bloom

Sfat Shabbat Shalom

So, it's Vayishlach. For those who care or know what that means, I have a tiny somethingorother to say.

Jacob is on his way back to his father's land. When he hears that Esau is coming to meet him with 400 men, he hurries to put a plan in action to protect his family and his possessions. He prays and then acts to protect himself. It sounds from the frantic pace that he was in a bit of a panic.

I've been panicked at various times this year; I had a comfortable life and I chose to leave it behind. Now I'm starting over at 29 and sometimes the uncertainty is terrifying. When I act out of panic and cultivate anxiety, I seem to attract even more frustrating circumstances - or maybe it just seems like it because I'm not enjoying whatever is happening.

If Jacob had met Esau in a panic, with suspicion, he might have invited a similarly negative response from his brother. Instead, the angel (or demon, or man, or space alien, or whatever) who wrestled with Jacob wrenched his right thigh out of its socket. (aha! right side of the body = left brain = masculine, aggressive, linear thinking. Necessary? Yes. superhappyfunstuff? Not for me.) Jacob's anxiety wouldn't allow him to yield control and trust the Infinite for the outcome of the situation. So the space angel broke through his shell of panic and Jacob had to yield control.

After that mysterious night, Jacob met Esau with a smiling face and open hand, and all the tension drained from their reunion. Esau traveled on from there in a straight line, an orderly fashion, Jacob went on at the pace of his children and a bunch of baby lambs: ambling, organic movement in non-linear steps that spoke of his newfound trust in the whole process of living in an unpredictable universe.

Later, the text says "V'yavo Ya'akov Shalem," (Gen. 33:18) which can mean either "and Jacob came to [the town of] Shalem" or "and Jacob came [and was] whole." Whole? After being panicked to the breaking point and humbled before his brother? Whole because his need to control his circumstances was gone, the self-protective shell was shattered and he could now accept himself as a small drop in a vast ocean of consciousness and movement.

To me this suggests that my acceptance of my present situation (accept it, change it, or leave it, sez Eckhart Tolle - but don't stay and not accept it), and positive attitude, will invite more positive circumstances to come my way, but my anxious attempts to control a situation only makes it more difficult for me and those around me to enjoy our challenging lives.

Perioded

Cat + Ducks = trouble

Gentlemen, beware; you're in for a scare. I'm going to talk about periods. I know, I know, that's nobody's favorite topic on a brisk, nipply Thursday evening in November, but this is my blog so shut up. Did I mention I'm perioded?

I decided not to take any painkillers this month. This was a big step for me, because I have often been known to whine like a fat kid at fiesta texas (it happens) whilst menstruating, and to truly, actually, believe I was going to die if I didn't swallow some pamprin IMMEDIATELY. Once I even took a vicodin, given to me by a compassionate friend who shall remain nameless for her protection, under the assumption that my demise would be imminent, should the pain continue to build. I don't know if it's all the life-changes making me approach myself with the kind of wild grin a lab scientist gives to a hamster, but I decided to experiment away and face my fears...

11.9.11

I started my period. I'm going to go as long as I can without pills, we'll see how long this lasts...

I also drew this totally tubular illustration in my journal. It's ok if you don't get it.

11.10.11

Man, this is intense. The pain, and the general experience. Definitely not eating anything today. This is a cleanse, and I want to listen for whatever this process has to say. I'm trying not to fight the pain, but just to let the old me, old blood, go. And I guess to accept the state of pain, because I am afraid of suffering great pain, and I may need a drug to help me let it go... I want to learn not to depend on a substance. Maybe by learning to live through physical pain, I will begin to learn how to process psychic pain, instead of depending on bad physical habits to pull me through. But yeah... yikes. It's building.

(later)

Wow, I have been taking way too much painkiller in the past. After the initial onset of my gut pain, which was scary to feel it build, it has settled into manageable cramps. Maybe it's the lack of meat in my diet? I don't feel overwhelmed by pain, just really tired. When the pain wave comes, I just roll with it, embrace it, and then it's not so bad. I remember reading that pain during your period is actually caused by muscular tension based on the fear of pain. Which is pretty hilarious. I'm really happy that I'm facing this with relative fearlessness; there really is nothing to fear but fear itself. I even walked a mile this morning...

(still later)

Love is a river, and I am bathing in it. With this opening of my body to release all that is no longer helpful or useful to hold on to, I embrace change and what is to come by letting go of all that I have been... all that was not truly who I was created to be, or that was useful in the past and is not anymore. I let it all go. Thank you for peeling away my layers and exposing a new creation...

(presently)

And there you have it, ladies. Don't be fooled into thinking you have to depend on substances to pull you through pain... A lot of it is in the mind; I focused my attention on my guts, and set an intention of letting go, and relaxing my muscles in the neighborhood of my guts. That's how I, who used to be terrified of period pain, have come to regard it as a helpful ally to engage in a multi-level cleanse. It's very helpful to journal through something like this; it's a very meditative opportunity. I drank carrot juice and had a bit of chocolate today, but other than that, I just drank water. I couldn't have handled food. I think the relative ease of this whole situation was also aided by the fact that I haven't been eating significant amounts of refined flours or sugars, and have avoided meat like the plague. More on that later... Thanks for stomaching this post, heh heh.

ode to a fine field

On saturday, I watched my friend Kim spread sunshine around her neighborhood and a local nursing home, when she was given a car-full of leftover wedding flowers. She's such a loving, giving person, raised in a small town, now bringing that small-town neighbor-love to a bigger city where people don't always trust their neighbors. I love you Kimberly, thank you for being so sweet to me.



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This poem I wrote last October sums up my current course of cosmic learning... the title is a Rumi reference.

Wash in Wisdom-Water

Oh! The un-marinated heart
a crusty thing
a barnacled hull
Hauled out of sea to dry and grow dull
better to yield to the
moon-swelled surge
the longer the wait
the harder the purge

Chakras

I've been learning a lot about my own guts, and my own soul. Without further ado I would like to share this with you, hopefully it may be helpful to someone or other... This is my own personal exploration of the seven Chakras, their implications as seven aspects of my being, why they become blocked, and how to un-block them. I still have much to learn, this is just something I felt I should share:


Chakra / Bent aspect / True aspect / Cure

Root / Fear / Courage / Naming your fears
Recognize that the frightening things in your life are the door to Wisdom and walk on through.

Sacral / Control / Playfulness / Relax – no Judgement or expectations
Accept others and yourself as you are – don’t manipulate life, instead release any attempt to control and let life bring you it’s true pleasures.


Solar / Guilt / Freedom / Honesty – say what you mean
Not letting your true self shine burns you up inside – accept your unique identity and let G-d’s design shine from within you. Always speak the truth.


Heart / Depression / Love / Surrender to Love
Let love in, open your heart – it will hurt, but you will be transformed for the better.


Throat / Bottling up / Expression / Spontaneous words and sounds
Open the vent, don’t fail to process your reactions to life – spontaneity gets the flow started.


Third Eye / Fretfulness / Fruitfulness / Breathing / Prayer
Breathing mindfully and practicing mindfulness in all areas releases you from the grip of anxiety, which is future-based – don’t live in the future, live now.


Crown / Greed / Ultimate Wisdom / Dancing shakes off attachments
Let go of the need for material luxury by dancing, spinning, shaking – and you will realize the interconnectedness and impermanence of all life.


The Pink Presence of Pure spirit (Shekhinah) completes the circuit and permeates all the chakras. We are circular beings. This is how “Enlightenment” (living true to the spark of eternity within you) can be reached through the ascetic path (through the Crown) or the tantric path (through the Root). Whether you ascend or descend, G-d is there, loving unceasingly.