Tremble

So, I'm taking the Tehillim/Mishlei (Psalms/Proverbs) challenge put forth by this blog - to read 5 Psalms and 1 Proverb every day of the month of Nissan. It's been tasty. Ok, let me 'splain - for me, Psalms and sunsets are things I drink in like water, and savor like fishes and spinach (which I love; yes, I'm weird, we covered that a few posts back).

I've also been reading this book, which is utterly delightful and profound, and so, I've had a lot of food for thought these last few days...

Genesis, 2007, דבורה

Today I went back and wrote a song from the words of the 4th Psalm. It's called רגזו / "Rigzu", which means "tremble" and is a terrifically fun word to write in script Hebrew, because the gimel and zayin mirror each other.

So, Tehillim 4:4-6:

ד וּדְעוּ--כִּי-הִפְלָה יי, חָסִיד לוֹ; יי יִשְׁמַע, בְּקָרְאִי אֵלָיו. 4 But know that the LORD hath set apart the godly man as His own; the LORD will hear when I call unto Him.

ה רִגְזוּ, וְאַל-תֶּחֱטָאוּ: אִמְרוּ בִלְבַבְכֶם, עַל-מִשְׁכַּבְכֶם; וְדֹמּוּ סֶלָה. 5 Tremble, and sin not; commune with your own heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah

ו זִבְחוּ זִבְחֵי-צֶדֶק; וּבִטְחוּ, אֶל-יי. 6 Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and put your trust in the LORD.

There's something really wonderful between the lines of these verses; I see a hint at the nearness of G-d. "Tremble," it says - the awe of Hashem is the beginning of Wisdom. "Be still" and "commune with your own heart upon your bed" - in these verses I hear a call to listen deeply. To what?.. To the presence of G-d within.

But says my mind, G-d doesn't answer me... all I hear is silence.

"יי יִשְׁמַע, בְּקָרְאִי" / "Hashem yishma b'kar'i" says "G-d will hear when I call." However, "בְּ" can mean "in," implying: "G-d will hear; [G-d is] in my cry" - a deeper nearness than imagined... G-d is closer to me than my own body and spirit -Yehuda HaLevi

I can only know this when I am truly present in my own life. So breathe. And listen. ...and tremble...

Genesis, detail, 2007, דבורה

Shabbat Bliss

This Shabbat was brilliant and bright. A day stuffed to overflowing with Torah learning, good conversation, tasty (pre-prepared) food, joyful dancing and singing...

I thought about the lepers of Parashat Tazria... having a skin affliction makes one "unclean" for obvious reasons. Yet there is a paradox in the Parashat: a leper who has turned all white is declared clean. I read a good article on this subject here.

In my random, non-linear mind, the all-white leper makes me think of klipot - the "shells" that surround our soul that we must learn to break through and step out of so we can grow closer to G-d. Call it "ego" if you like.

When a shell turns all white, it is ready for rebirth... and it's clean.

This is the process we are going through all our lives: birth, death, rebirth - a cycle of becoming.

I felt a shell crack and fall away from me in January. And it happened as I was saying Shabbat prayers - Lecha Dodi, Ein Kelokeinu, Shma & V'ahavta, etc. I was struggling with my own desires and fantasies, and in a desperate gesture I turned to G-d and said those prayers with my full attention, instead of focusing on my own will. At that moment, I felt a sensation of a knife cutting down the front of my ribcage, a great CRACK, and something heavy falling away. I felt completely free and new, like a soft, pink human being stepping out of a gnarly coat of dragon scales. And it was good.

We are transformed when we are willing to be... when we are willing to let the old self die.

There are more shells to be dealt with... plenty more. Last night I felt another one crack; this one went out with more of a whimper than a bang. Sometimes it's like that, I guess. I asked to be free, and heard a small voice say "because you asked"... then whoosh, another layer dissolved.

I'm looking for freedom from my own foolish desires - from my own will, which can run rampant and become my only law when aroused. "I need! I need!" "Give! and Give!" they cry...

So, I am beginning to truly see the value of Torah (I know, I know... DUH). The blueprint from on high to align my will with G-d's, to take me out of my foolish notions of how the world should work, and see the Reality. "Crush my fantasy" sings Matisyahu (sorry, if this is some kind of wisdom from the talmud or something, I've only heard Matisyahu say it.. I'm learnin'...)

I knew there was something good about this day. Something new to be born in me! I couldn't put my finger on it but I knew this day was special... then it hit me: 4.2.11 - It's 42!!! Of course! What a great number. The answer to life, the universe and everything....

All I can say is... Baruch Hashem!!

I

Burn me up

crack me open, for too long

I've been an unbroken yolk

in a shell, within a nest,

in a house.

What do you want from me?

How can I love?

I was made from mud.

Sometimes my glowing sparks cut like glass

sometimes I am the glass.

Mother. I don't feel fullness. Right now I only feel my own lack of everything. What is this pretty stick, so crushable? Growing from the curve of a green tree. It's bruised, and thinks it knows what pain is. But it doesn't grasp that the cure for pain is pain. I do not grasp that the cure for pain is pain.

It's green and thinks it knows what new life is. But it hasn't died yet, so how can it know?

My camel has gotten thoroughly stuck inside the needle's eye. I can't seem to die. I'll try. Who is this "I"?

Illuminate

Have you ever looked at someone and seen their soul? Did you forget your self, your selfish existence, step outside your body and see only the light shining from the face of your friend?

When that happened, it changed my perspective. Nothing ever seems linear to me anyway, but this has knocked me back a few steps and made me perceive the world in the round.

I've been scratching and digging at the seams of my shell, trying to splinter it to bits. I don't want to live here anymore. It's not that I have the urge to self-destruct - I'm just tired of living for only myself. Dissolve. Join the River.

There's a dance of righteous abandon going on right under my nose; beneath my skin. I'll never feel it if I stare too long and hard at my own bellybutton. The dance demands the abandonment of me. I want to be a vehicle of Love. I don't want to be clinging, gripping, chewing on five-day old apple cores just to fill the void in my belly, when there's so much to GIVE around here. Join the flow and forget your self.

"Rub your eyes and look again with love at love" -Rumi

Come, Beloved, 2011, דבורה

Mirror, Mirror

five, four, three and down to two

time is standing still for you

Morgan Russell, Still-Life Synchromy, "lyrically arranged colors are as capable of conveying a message as are finely orchestrated musical notes"


"I was a hidden treasure and I desired to be known, so I created the world." -So goeth the oft-quoted hadith.



The concept of G-d as a singular light, shone through the mirror-like prism of creation and refracted into varied beings and experiences is neatly illustrated by Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon album cover. See below:

Ah, yes, the ubiquitous Pink Floyd. When I was at community college, I used to keep a running tally of all the Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon, Bob Marley and Ralphie Wiggum "I bent my wookie" shirts I saw in a semester. A popular image, no doubt. There's something mystical and beautiful about prisms, and the rainbows they refract. I ask for wonder....


Some people are mirrors. Some delightful; others disgusting. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. The person who annoys you the most might be there in your life as a kind of "Hey man, over here!" from the Infinite, trying to tell you that the thing you hate most about that person is, in fact, your biggest fault, and something maybe you could work on...


Sometimes the experience of meeting a mirror is pure bliss, if only because you feel... understood. I can't overstate the value of this as an artist and self-proclaimed "weird person."


But all mirrors have their jagged edges, and if you hold too tightly you can get pretty cut and bloody. And then you get tired of pussy-footing around and just want it to cut clean through. It reminds me of this silly man who once asked me if, by taking so many insulin shots in my abdomen, I would eventually cut my body clean in half. Ha.


Man, this kind of hurts, though. One of my Harbingers of Education has returned. So, yes, pain, but I always learn fantastic illuminative lessons when they're around, so it's also kind of exciting.

What I'm trying to say (in a way that might indicate the necessity of some kind of therapy) is that pain creates soul growth. So, bring it.

After all, those who wake up from Near Death Experiences often bring back the same story, specifically, that an angel reviews their life so far and then asks them two questions:


How much did you LEARN?

How much did you LOVE?


This is basically the textbook NDE. No really; in my college Psychology class we had this delightfully weird professor who brought holograms to class and let us grade some of our own exams. There was an NDE book and it was required reading...


one, two, three, four, up to ten

time is moving on again